50 things you need to know about marital relationships.


50 things you need to know about marital
1. Great relationships don’t just happen; they are
created – you have to work on it
2. If your job gets your best energy, your marriage
will wither – if you only come home tired and
sick, your marriage is in danger.
3. One of the greatest gifts you can give your
spouse is your own happiness – your spouse
cannot make you happy; don’t say that you
married so that she’ll make me happy or he’ll
make me happy – no one will make you happy
unless you make yourself happy. Happiness
comes from within, so if you have problems and
are depressed, you have to change yourself, no
one will change you
4. It’s possible to hate and love someone at the
same time
5. When you complain about your spouse to your
friends, remember that their feedback is based
upon distorted information – they didn’t get your
spouse’s take on the situation.
6. The only rules in marriage are those to which
you both choose to agree (this is true after the
shari’ah of course)
7. It is not conflict that destroys marriages; it is
the cold, smoldering resentment that is bred by
withholding – the Prophet had problems in his
own house but there was no coldness afterwards
– that coldness will ruin it
8. It’s not what you have got; it’s what you do
with it; it’s not your beauty or your wealth or
your tongue (sweet talk), but it’s how you use it.
9. If you think you’re too good for your spouse
think again- this is not healthy
10. Growing up in a happy family does not ensure
a good marriage; and growing up in an unhappy
family does not preclude having one – it’s how
you make your own marriage – impt to know that
82% of physical abusers grew up in an abusive
home themselves
11. It’s never too late to repair damaged trust.
12. The real issue is usually not the one you are
arguing about – in arguments you skip from one
subject to another and you usually miss the point
a. When you have an argument, 1: listen, 2: tell
them what you understand from the argument
(reemphasize on the point) 3: reintroduce your
point to make sure you’re on the same track
13. Love is not just a feeling but an action that
14. Expectations set us up for resentment
15. Arguments cannot be avoided but destructive
ones can
16. One of the greatest gifts we can give our
spouse is our focused attention
17. Even people with great marriages sometimes
wonder whether they might have married the
wrong person – don’t feel bad if this thought
comes to you then, this happens in most
18. Your spouse cannot rescue you from
unhappiness, but they can help you to rescue
19. The cost of a lie is far greater than any
advantage you think you’ll gain.
20. Your opinion is not the truth. – it’s an
21. Trust takes years to establish and moments
to destroy
22. Guilt-tripping will not get you what you want
– shaykh: anything he does for you from feeling
guilty, that’s the worst thing for you; use a
positive means instead of guilt, remind him of
how good something was and that will motivate
him to want to do it, making someone feel guilty
motivates them in a wrong way; brothers don’t
tell her “all my friends wives do this and that”
rather say “that meal you cooked that day was
23. Don’t neglect your friends just because you
have acquired a spouse – husbands and wives
both need a break.
24. If you think, “you’re not the person I married”,
you’re probably right – no one is the same
person. When you marry, your personalities melt
together and you develop a new personality.
25. Resisting the temptation to prove your point
will win you a lot of points
26. The spirit of Generosity is the foundation of a
great relationship
27. If your spouse is being defensive, you may be
giving them reason to
28. Marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100
29. You can pay now or you can pay later, but the
later you pay, the more penalties and interest you
acquire. – if you do something wrong, you’ll have
to get her gifts and apologize, just pay now
30. Marriage does require sacrifice but what you
stand to gain is no doubt greater than what you
are giving
31. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event, but a
32. Marriage alone doesn’t make you a better
person but accepting its challenges does
33. Creating a marriage is like launching a rocket:
once it clears the pull of gravity it takes much
less energy to sustain the flight.
34. A successful marriage has more to do with
how you deal with your current reality, than what
you experienced in the past
35. Don’t keep feelings of gratitude to yourself –
express your gratitude, tell him/her thank you,
jazakAllaah khayr
36. There is no greater eloquence than the silence
of real listening – be a good listener
37. One of the greatest questions you can ask
your spouse is: how may I best love you?
38. Marriage may stay fresh over time.
39. Assumptions are fine as long as you check
them out before acting upon them
40. Intention may not be the only thing, but it is
the most important thing
41. Good sex doesn’t necessarily make a
marriage great, but sure helps.
42. Privacy won’t hurt your marriage, but secrecy
will. – don’t sneak and look in their wallet and
check their email; you can look in their bag to
look for keys or something but don’t make it a
43. Possessiveness and jealousy are born out of
fear, not love
44. Authenticity is contagious and habit-forming
45. If your spouse thinks something is important,
it is
46. Marriage never outgrows the need for
romance, ever – even the Prophet in his 60s was
47. The sparkle of a new relationship is always
48. There is violence in silence when it’s used as
a weapon – it can be a very killing weapon; it is
VERY bad to give your spouse a bad look when
they are very excited, you did something worse
than saying something bad
49. It’s better to focus on what you can do to
make things right than on what your partner did
to make things wrong
50. If you think marriage counseling is too
expensive, try divorce.
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